Re what counts against towed weight: get the manufacturer's official towing guide and read it carefully.
Here is an example, taken from the 2017 FORD Towing Guide.
http://www.fleet.ford.com/towing-guides/For a FORD EXPEDITION with 3.5-liter V6, 3.15 rear axle, two-wheel drive, and optional CLASS IV Heavy-Duty Trailer Tow Package, the listings say "Maximum Loaded Trailer Weight" 9,200-lbs. However, in a footnote the listings also caution:
...Make sure vehicle payload (reduced by option weight) will accommodate trailer tongue load weight and weight of passengers and cargo added to towing vehicle. Addition of trailer tongue load weight and weight of passengers and cargo cannot cause vehicle weights to exceed rear GAWR or GVWR. These ratings can be found on the vehicle Safety Compliance Certification Label.
This can interpreted to mean that you can still tow the rated maximum loaded trailer weight, as long as there is not too much added weight in the form of vehicle options, passengers, or luggage that causes the gross axle weight rating (GAWR) (for either front or rear axle) or gross vehicle weight rating (GVWR) to be exceeded. GAWR is a maximum load on the axles, and typically the rear axle will be the limiting factor. GVWR is a rating that includes the ability of the vehicle to come to a stop with its brakes and for its suspension to work properly. The gross combined weight rating (GCWR), the total weight of the vehicle and trailer, is also given.
In the case of this FORD EXPEDITION, the GCWR is 14,900-lbs. If a trailer of maximum weight, 9,200-lbs, is attached, this leaves 5,700-lbs for the total weight of the vehicle, options, passengers, and gear in the vehicle. To find exactly how much a particular FORD EXPEDITION will weigh, you may have to resort to weighing it, unless the manufacturer happens to give you that figure. Usually data about an individual vehicle appears on a sticker, usually found on the door frame of the driver side door. The actual vehicle weight may be given there, or maybe not. I have an image of a load capacity sticker for a FORD EXPEDITION (that I was thinking about buying), but I don't see the actual weight given there, nor is it given on the OEM window sticker. Sometimes the state licensing agency knows the vehicle weight--I assume they get it from the VIN. In my state (Michigan) the registration just gives the weight as a category, not actual weight.
Let's suppose we have this EXPEDITION loaded to the max, that is, to a GVWR limit of 7,500-lbs. If GCWR is 14,900-lbs, then we get a maximum trailer weight of 14,900 - 7,500 = 7,400-lbs, which is quite a bit less than the rated maximum of 9,200-lbs. This is how you can figure out the maximum amount of added weight in the vehicle.
Looking at it another way, take the GCWR (14,900) and subtract the maximum towed weight (9,200) to find the maximum vehicle weight (in this case it would be 5,700-lbs). Then go weigh the vehicle with all your gear and passengers to see if it exceeds the maximum weight permitted for GCWR (which in this case was 5,700-lbs). For every pound the vehicle is over, you have to reduce the towed trailer weight so that you stay under the GCWR limit.